Antsy about tomorrow, antsy about my wedding day, antsy about going old, & antsy at the wonder of the turning point of which I am classified as an old maid. At what point do I start my cat collection?
& I know my mothers beginning to question my future by her casual change in view point of what she thinks of dating websites.
You know, Sam, a lot of people have success with those.
So now I know my mother & I are on the same page, wondering if I am capable of finding a man apart from setting up a search team to wander through the dark wooded paths in the shadows of the night.
But to be honest, the Samantha that’s sitting here on May 22, 2014 doesn’t really care about finding a man. Granted, tomorrow is a new day with new engaged friends & new wedding invitations to remind you of the occasional emptiness left uncured by a steak salad. But this girl in the peach pants doesn’t really know what she’s looking for apart from the Lord & deep joy. Neither of which can a man bring her.
So there’s that.
My mind is stuck on different matters on days like today & yesterday, tracing back to the conversation in his car last Friday night. The one that seems more inconclusive, more messy as I discuss it. What I told him was layer one of options.
There’s always culinary school or cosmetology. Counseling or journalism.
He listens closely, & he talks the business side of life back to me. Pension & great benefits. Things that are no more than words to a girl who wants to be filled. This girl is passion. This boy is logistics. This girl is all heart. This boy is all head.
& maybe his answers would satisfy me if this thin layer was all the deeper my mind was troubled. But this is really about that, &, baby, you haven’t bitten past that glob of frosting to taste the cake. Because, really, my insides are screaming,
There’s always Georgia. Florida. Alabama. There’s that book I want to write. There’s that bakery I would love to own. There’s that nonprofit organization I have been waiting for the right person to team up with. There are those stages I’ve wanted to stand on, those women I’ve wanted to stand before & shout they are loved.
& what about that? Am I just adding more unrealistic webs to my life to tangle myself a midst & feel all the more unaccomplished when my knees hit the floor before my Lord?
So I’m stuck on this. Stuck on more. Stuck on the tomorrows that seem to be nothing & the next days that seem to come like a big bang in which my life suddenly becomes something. All of the sudden I’m married with three children. All of the sudden. my book is written. All of the sudden I’ve won the noble prize for my brilliance.
All of the sudden.
So I drove & that red Jeep Compass is where the Lord has found me once more, where I hear his voice pass like the wind, shifting the atmosphere beneath my worship.
He talks. Sometimes I fall silent, just listening to the sweetest name. Sometimes I talk back. & sometimes I’m the one talking the whole time, way too much, throwing all my drama into his lap. But on the occasion that I listen, he always speaks, & usually it is to sometime so tangible to me that I can feel the whispered words warming my neck.
This day was no exception.
His words were so simple, & yet everything I needed to hear. I almost didn’t hear him, to be honest. I was at the point where my side of the talk was coming to a close, & the new Bethel worship album was playing. Not to mention, my mind is easily distracted, & had begun to be pulled into the days activities. & then like a blind man who suddenly opens his eyes & knows blue skies for the first time, I heard the words that he had been speaking all along, the phrase repeating in my mind.
Who you’re becoming, you will be.
I’m a firm believer that God has called us each into the unknown. I’m sure not many people would disagree with that, as many times as we hear it preached by our friends, sung by our worship leaders, & written in our inspirational books. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. & so on. We believe, Lord, we say, throwing ourselves to his disposal for the grander scheme of things. He wants me to preach. He wants me to go to Africa. He wants me to church plant. & we see this as the unknown, saying yes he can have me when the big bang happens & I am legitimate on stage preaching his name to the multitudes. But I believe he’s talking back this time. & do you know when the unknown also resides? Tomorrow. Next week. This evening. You are called & purposed for this day, too. Today is part of his plans for hope & a future. Tomorrow is you having something to give, something to bring peace to this increasingly chaotic bustle of a world.
So I guess the question we have to ask ourselves is are we being generous with what we’ve been given for today’s hope? Are we waiting for that big bang where everything falls into place? Are we sitting in our ideas of the bigger picture, too paralyzed by the distractions of our minds wondering to carry out his calling on today?
You are made for this day, too, love. Don’t you forget it.