If I told her anything.

If I told her anything.

I stare across the room at the twin-sized bed parallel mine. Sheets frumpled into a loose ball in the center, wall side stuffed with pillows & that big stuffed bear with the red bow around his neck, taking me back to their one year when he was over there & she was over here, & the boy was so crazy in love he sent her a dozen roses & that bear to hug in his place. I imagine her laying with me in our miniature bedroom, the one we share even though there are more empty rooms. The one we share so we don’t have to grow up.

& I want to tell her something, I want to whisper between the high speed chaos into her deepest fears. I want to beckon her to let go.

Because she knows, & I know that she knows. But I don’t think darling will budge because fear is standing in the doorway like a big nasty bully. & we all know it’s capabilities of crippling.

I heard her again today. Listening to the so are we hanging out or not, well just let me know, it’s okay, I’ll probably see you tomorrow, I flashback to the final days of quite a few relationships I’ve been in. The ones where you know the ending. You’re breathing the conclusion. & though you don’t feel it quite the way they are, you are simply awaiting the words of admittance.

I’m just not that into you anymore.

I remember the boy that chased her. The one who left his graduation party to find her at a wedding reception. The one who waited hours in a Taco Bell parking lot for a girl he wasn’t even sure would show. The one who gave her that ring, & promised her that they were going to have a future. That they would be a forever.

& I think more than anything I want her to remember that. A compare & a contrast. Because I think somethings shifted in the air, & I think if we’re honest the boy knows exactly where he has her. He knows she’s a safe house, so he dances around, changing plans like underwear, ditching her because he knows her love is secure. Somehow these tables have turned, & I’m watching a boy speak through actions that this girl has small worth & I am watching this girl shrink more & more. & she’s being crushed, you know.

So when she says I love you & I’ll be home soon, I want to slip in more than I love you mores. I want to remind her of the times we were afraid & clung to each other in that bottom bunk like glue. I want to tell her what her tears felt like in my palms & on my shirt, that night when I held her crumpled body when she lost her first love. I want to go back to the car rides when she asked me how long it takes to get over him when you’ve given him everything you’ve had to give.

I want to go back to the times we drew a line in our queen sized bed so we wouldn’t touch. The times you’ve yelled at me for wearing your shirt & the times I saw the picture of you in my cardigan. I want to go back to the time you threw all my clothes around the room in rage, & I got out of bed to pick them up & fold them in the dark room.

& you know something?

You have been worth it all.

You still are. I would do it all over a thousand times (the clothes thing, we have). God, I love you more & more everyday, & I am so thankful for you. & even the days when we can’t bear to sit in the same room, I still couldn’t imagine what I would do without you.

& when I see this boy giving up on you, & I see him placing you in line behind plan a, b, & c, I break. Because the boy is blind. He has no idea. & he doesn’t deserve you. & you don’t deserve him.

You are lovely. Growing up I was always so jealous of you because you were so much prettier & everything about you was perfect. Heavens, I don’t think you’ve had a roll in your life. & every guy meets you & knows it. They meet you & see life within you. They see beauty & something refreshing & captivating.

& I think you used to know, but I don’t think you do anymore.

Because I know you say he says nice things to you, but I think his actions are speaking more into your soul than his words. You want to believe him. I want to believe him. But, love, you’re forgetting yourself. He’s hiding you away.

The other night when we missed the sunset & turned around, when the car filled with darkness & your voice broke the silence with the kind of sentence that comes mid conversation because we both knew what was not being said, I wanted to do more than speak words as my hands clung to the steering wheel. I wanted to hug you & wipe the tears the shaky voice gave away. I wanted to become superwoman & magically place the truth & confidence & courage deep within your bones. I wanted you to get it like I get it & mom gets it & dad gets it. I want you to see the beautiful girl with the long blonde hair, the big blue eyes. I wanted you to hear her contagious laugh, feel her award winning hugs. I wanted you to see all the love that lives inside of her & see the smart girl who was never less than on top. You, my love, are worth incredible things. You are worth road trips & those running start hugs & beautiful roses on your doorstep just because. You are worth long phone calls & whispered secrets & his guy friends hating you because you’ve filled their shoes & he likes you better.

You are lovely, sister. I love you. To the moon & back. & you are worth more. Always more.

It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.

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