When the grass ain’t green.

Really, I don’t know what to say. I keep wanting to begin, I have so much to tell you, but the thing is, I don’t know where to start.

Because the article got me. The one reposted on Facebook about the woman who wished she hadn’t waited on sex until marraige. She was angry at the church for allowing her to make such a vow at the age of ten, angry that she felt the call for biblical purity was only for women, & angry that she felt as though her body was a nothing more than a sex slave to her husband.

(find here: http://thoughtcatalog.com/samantha-pugsley/2014/08/i-waited-until-my-wedding-night-to-lose-my-virginity-and-i-wish-i-hadnt/)

I read this article, & the words unleashed an aggression. I felt her rage & bitterness lifting off the page. & in turn, I was left with the kind of unease inwhich I simply can’t remain silent. Because the virgin girl doesn’t know my story.

I wish I was still a virgin. The thing the pretty girl is missing is the experience. The experience of being wanted for nothing more than physical satisfaction & the experience of being asked to leave after his mission was completed. The experience of letting a man’s promises for a future unbutton your pants & the experience of him disposing of those promises a week later. The experience of not having something to give at the arrival of your wedding day because you’ve wasted a first, second, & third on a man who no longer fits into your life.

You, sweet pea, don’t know my story.

I wish I was still a virgin. & when I used to wear that bent silver ring with the scripture reference incompassing it, I didn’t feel like God was trying to jip me or form me simply for a man’s sexual fullfillment. I felt like God was the original love & Love as a person was trying to give me the dirty on how love works best. I felt like God loved me & was looking out for me.

Dear girl, I am sorry you’ve always felt as though girls were the only ones who were expected to remain pure. But, in all kindness, I just want to let you know that the men were held to the same standard, as the Bible not only speaks against homosexual relationships, but also speaks against being a stumbling block to others. This is equal. This is about giving your marriage a holy ground to find itself on & this is about the levels of a heartbreak & this is about a Father who wants to protect you & give you His love undefiled. He wants you to have his love the way it works best.

& here’s the thing. Every relationship I’ve ever been in where we let sex enter the picture, sex was the turning point inwhich our relationship stopped being about the two of us getting to know eachother more intimately through mental connection & more about sex.

So kudos to you, babe, although you regret it, for doing what so many of us wish we could go back in time & do over. I wish I had kept the same vow you made at ten that I made at seventeen. Because you are worth staying for. & your husband is the only one who ever deserved you, to begin with.

It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.

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