& you know what is even harder than the pressure surrounding & suffocating you?
The calling to love them. The demand to accept them how Jesus would, in the muck that they stand. The equality of love we are commanded to disperse.
This love is not ours.
This love is a decision.
This love is a transformation.
& we’ve been feeling this pressure, & I have felt its boiling pulse through my ears. Because this is Christmas, & he just found Salvation in the flesh, & I have been in a stage of restoration with the lover of my soul. & Christmas is about the most generous God spreading his most generous love amongst us like jam.
So I cry on the couch while he comforts me with God’s breath. He speaks comfort over me with the comfort we both have received from this spirit within us but only he has reached down & took hold of it. & this man who has a greater reason to be upset than I, this man who has taken the greater blow, the biggest lost. This man. He sits running his fingers along my spine. He sits cooing me with God’s purpose & plan.
& I had intentions of going back to school in the fall. I had filled out the financial aid forms necessary, explaining to this grace-filled university that I had bombed last semester due to my grandfather’s death & other hardships. But they didn’t see the 4.0 student. They only saw the last semester. They only saw yesterday. Yesterday when my grandfather died & things held me under water.
I feel the sadness wash over me. The disappointment. Because I was ready to move forward with God’s plan & I asked them for a forgiveness that they received & they refused to share that with me.
You’ve received this love freely. So when the men come up to the register & want to be a little too friendly, when she doesn’t even know you & wants to walk you through hell, when you’ve been abandoned by everyone you’ve ever loved, it is not in your power to decide they are unworthy of love. By all means, I am not telling you to prance to their level, & by no means am I telling you that they are right. But I am telling you this love is a powerful thing that demands to be noticed. This love is a grace-filled, slow to anger thing that requires prayer & patience.
This love isn’t something you have created. You have nothing to do with it. I have something for you, he beckons, leaning in as you sit across the table. & he pulls out this bow tied box, placing it in your hands. & you are so confused because it’s not your birthday & you didn’t do anything for him & you lied to him last week & you were late to this date. But he gives you this, placing it in your hands despite the fact you’ve had nothing good to give. It’s this love, it’s this grace, that you have been given. You love because you found a love in him. You love because you learned of who he is. & if all this love was simply another name for a person, a person who is not you, just someone who has given himself to you, why would you ever think he’s yours to keep quite? Such a grand display on the cross, & you think it’s yours to keep to yourself?
Don’t let someone cover the Spirit that has been placed within you. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, love, self-control, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness. A forgiveness that you’ve received. A love that has been freely given. You are equipped for this day, love. You have been filled to be spilt.