one word 2015 : untethered.

n. The limit of one’s strength or resources.
The limit of one’s self.

Tethered, all of you. Untethered, everything after.

This place where I yield. This place where I stop, taking off my shoes & emptying my pockets.

Here in this body… somebody has got to give.
Somebody has got to win.

You either love this or that. It’s darkness or light.
It’s him or I.

There is no room for two. None of that going halfsies nonsense.

He doesn’t ask you to cut ties with one portion of your life that you’re least likely to miss. All in the name of Jesus.

No. How about the whole thing.

Untethered. Where we don’t fight for control when chaos breaks through the neat & tidy. We fight for his hands to hold us above the crashing waves.

If we could just be honest, you & I, I’d barely raise my eyes, dividing my attention between security of my chipping nail polish & the vulnerability of my sharpened words, piercing every part of me as I choke them out before you. I can’t find my ends. You know the place, the climax moment where something happens that breaks everything within you, leaving you to respond off Christ’s strength you are filled with & reminded of in the midst of all calamities that encompass you. I haven’t felt that, lately. I’ve been all reaction & no self-control. No peace in the midst of my rage. No love to match their hate. No patience when the little one’s jealousy & temper are flying high. You know how we’ve hidden his words in our heart so that we might not sin against God? Well I’ve hidden Christ. Literally. He’s hidden from sight & feeling.

I’ve missed him so in the ways in which I read of others love stories with him & I am jealous for him. I want him to the fullest. I long to lean into him & feel his strength under my buckling knees. I need a fresh start. I need his promises. I need him.

So half way through the message yesterday I realized God was speaking to me. This wasn’t another message for another friend, this was for me. This was the answer for this season, & this was the healing salve for my wounds if I’d allow these words to be the sanctuary for my soul.

He preached fresh starts. He recited David’s cry for a renewed spirit & a pure heart. He prescribed more of Christ every day.

One moment I was caught in the familiar flow of over sung words, the next, staring God face to face through his whispered promises.

Ask, & you’ll receive. Seek, & you’ll find. Knock, & the door will be opened. Lean into God, & he’ll run to meet you.

So I ask for will power to let go, that I would not fill my hands with what is not in my control, but rather, my portion, which is Christ. I pray that I will never quit holding my arms open to his embrace, that I will never give his will the cold shoulder. I pray for peace that introduces patience. Unhesitant love that doesn’t depend on the reciprocation of another. I pray that I would live a life untethered, freed from all that ties me to this world, undone in the presence of my Savior, immediate to respond to his spirit within me.

Untethered. The place where we come to our ends. When faith shuts its eyes tight & the floor falls lower than you remember. This place where understanding is another blank space. How long will you grasp at the frayed threads? How long will you hold on to tethered ends?

It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.

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