To The Untamed Heart.

I’m blue.

It’s what I tell him when I’m cupping sorrow, known or unknown. The black clouds hovering a little lower, the clouds full of moisture, and there is just no more room to hold anything. Ironically, the feeling is hollow. Vacant.

When we first got married, I might have not spoken the words aloud, though I’m sure he knew. Whether there were tears, flashes of anger hiding the misplaced emotion- whatever it looked like, I know it wasn’t a tidy hidden secret. At some point of growth over the last eight years, the feelings became words I’d slip out in passing. In the kitchen when he’s unloading his contents from the work day, on the edge of the couch while he lay completing whatever missions left on those games he plays on his phone, in the bathroom when I’m getting ready for bed and he’s quickly passing through. I’ve learned the feelings are easier to let go when I verbalize them.

So I let the words slip. We hug. Ten times because I’m a clinger when the woes bellow. I throw some spearmint blend in the diffuser, sit in my chair with a cup of coffee, and I wait for the awakening, lively, lighter feelings to come dwell within me.

Lately, the emotional lows have become more like a scheduled allotment in my days, regularly clocking in for their shift of tugging me down. It was my son’s sixth birthday and I felt it, marching in through that swinging door, covering every moment with a slight fog.

We were at a rest stop when the verse that had been on replay broke through the clouds covering my mind.

“… for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

I want that, I thought. I had just finished scrolling to kill time on our drive, noting how many times I catch myself looking at homes for sale, looking at how flawlessly decorated other’s homes look, noticing the lack of scuff marks on their floors. How many times I scroll and think how nice it must be to have that, how much easier life would be if my house looked like theirs, how much better life would be if we had that.

Immediately, as if in answer, I mused over the irony. You can’t be scrolling like that and achieve contentment.

Your newsfeed will never earn you a sound mind.

How often have we heard that the eyes are the windows to the soul or that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of… and my mouth is constantly telling my husband what it would be nice to have, what we should do next time we have extra money, etc. My eyes are constantly deep in the throngs of everyone else’s business and what they have, what they want to have, and simultaneously, what I want to have. There is a huge push on social media to build “content” and abide by algorithms, glorifying influencers and their seemingly fluid, easy living, the irony in the exaltation for better, consistent content and ultimately, more of an online “presence”. That’s what we call it right? The very wording used, content and presence, the exact opposite of the Lord’s desire for us. And what exactly is it the Lord calls us to? Being content in all things and being present. Longing to experience more of His presence. Google search scriptures on these things and you will find many. I have learned to be content in all things. Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. Look at the birds. Look at the wildflowers. Are they not fed and clothed in beauty? I’m left with the certainty that when Paul divinely wrote to keep our eyes on things of above- securing our gaze on Jesus and the kingdom of righteousness- someone had an inkling of these very days we’re living.

We can’t keep letting our finger swipe that screen and wonder why the world is more depressed than we’ve ever been.

Jesus knew. He’s instructed us in these things.

Where is your gaze? What’s capturing your attention?