To The Untamed Heart.

Today feels a little like my insides are being carved out and set on fire.

Graphic, I know. It feels that way, too. I feel a lot scared looking at the path I committed to. It feels like God told me that He is shifting my path when I was on the mountain with Him and I immediately dropped it all, and now I’ve climbed the mountain and I see what I have actually committed to. And I’m scared. Overwhelmed. Feeling all scrambly inside. I feel like running back up the mountain to get my things.

All it took was one moment looking at the financial outlook to a business he asked me if I could put into His hands. One moment, sitting down to do something else but my eyes meeting a number that felt low. And right with that stability that I have spent my time leaning on and giving everything I had to increase and sacrificing endless birthday parties, sports games, joyous holiday seasons, I felt my identity and worth crumble.

I’ve thought I’ve gotten vulnerable before. I have gotten vulnerable before. But just as we grow and mature in our walk with the Lord, vulnerable just keeps getting deeper. So I am going to spill my guts.

In our early years of marriage, we were so poor it wasn’t even funny. We kept making kids because we loved them, desired more, and felt like we were missing some of our people. But because we didn’t really wait to start having kids after marriage, that also means we kept making children through a state of poverty when a lot of people thought we were crazy. It felt crazy, but there was a longing. And I’m not saying it was right, but I see His blessing. I have some specific memories, but one of these memories was going to the grocery store with my little babe, pregnant with another, and our card being declined. The shame that I carried for years. If I’m honest with you I actually still don’t shop there because some memories just hurt. And that one stings. One time we threw in the towel because we couldn’t afford two car payments and we begged the finance people to repossess our car. That felt better than trying to decide what bills to pay that month. We couldn’t even get our car repossessed because they told us that then we would owe another chunk of money we didn’t have to offset whatever we still owed on the vehicle.

One time Donny went to meet with one of our pastors who is an incredibly gifted financial advisor. We thought, “There has to be a way to make this work or something we’re missing.” There wasn’t. There was no financial organization to be had because there wasn’t enough. I do remember one thing he said, though. To things, actually. One: take every opportunity you can get to make money. Two: You’re going to be okay. You will come into more money. He saw it, he said.

Around the time I had started into ministry with a bunch of young girls piled in my living room, five to six-ish years ago, my business started to take off. Donny gained some promotions, as well. But every year the Lord would double what I had made the previous year. Every year. I had begun to provide more for my family than if I had gone to college to get an education, I started making more in my field than I believed was even possible.

Fast forward to a women’s conference we had a couple weeks ago at our church. The conference was all about being made whole, and we saw physical miracles like restored sight. We’re talking eyes that were blinder than glasses could mend, her vision requiring an 11 prism, being healed to requiring less than a 3.5 prism. We saw the Lord healing hearts that were burdened by layers of scars and pain. We saw people come to salvation and come into a relationship with Jesus. I cannot tell you how incredible the whole experience was in a better way than to tell you about a moment where my mom held me while I ugly cried so hard in the back of the sanctuary that I had to cover my face because I was afraid I would scare someone, all the while before us sat/stood/prayed/worshipped our attendees who were so consumed by the presence of the Lord that they weren’t going to lunch. When the Holy Spirit comes, food seems secondary.

Leaving Saturday night, I got in my car and spoke the thought out loud to Allie, my oldest, ” I never want to do anything else ever again.” I was ready to drop it all. The desire that He had sealed within me to do full-time ministry that lingered ever since I was a child intensified and solidified like a declaration over my life. And so I started the process of throwing things off.

Because of how blessed we’ve been by the Lord through my business, I can’t stop without Him moving in a different direction to supplement what I make. And so I’ve been slowing down a bit. And it has felt great. So great. And I have felt peace about the whole thing. Even trust. I was actually just talking with a friend about this this morning, and how the Lord isn’t just transitioning and shifting me but our whole family and I feel it- but I’m not afraid, I said. I know its going to be okay.

And then I got home after a long day and looked at my financials for the year and fear gripped me. I was ready to run. Because letting go for us is looking like letting go of things I didn’t realize I put my hope and trust in over the Lord. And what if we end up back where we started? I never want to go back. The thought makes me queasy.

But then I think about all the ways we saw the goodness of the Lord even at our worst. He met us there. He was with us. We lived through it and we are blessed.

I’m still reading through Genesis, which means that is where we are still going to glean. There was a moment when Abraham was getting old when he asked his servant to go back to his homeland and find his son, Isaac, a wife. Bring her back with you.

The servant, checking all the boxes of what to do when, then inquired, “Well, what happens if she won’t come here with me? What then? Should I just take Isaac to her then and let them live in that land?”

The he said it. No, more than said. He declared it, stood on it, boldly called forth these words:

“Absolutely not… make sure that you do not take my son back there. For Yahweh, the God of heaven, took me from my father’s house and from the land of my birth. He spoke to me and solemnly promised that he would give this land to my descendants. I know he will… but no matter what, do not take my son back there!” Genesis 24: 6-8 TPT

It gets me emotional. Because absolutely not. I will not go back up that mountain and fetch my things. I will not put that load back on my back. Because my God promised me and placed this desire to burn my body and my belongings alive. He breathed life into it and gave me permission to let go and trust Him. And I will not go back.

“I remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14 NIV

The Orengias are going to wait on you, Jesus.

We will not remove our trust from you.