written by Kate Metz Oman
“I remember two things: that I am a great sinner and that Christ is a great Savior” -John Newton
My name is Kate Metz Oman and I’m 21 years old. When I was 19, I found out I was pregnant with my son and began a beautiful journey of grace, love and healing.
Three years ago, you would not recognize me. I was reckless child teetering on the brink of death. I was 30lbs underweight, a borderline alcoholic, addict and self-destruction enthusiast. I was at the bar every night partying, wandering the city streets to find my car and driving blacked out back home. I had completely run as far away from God as I could get. I was in and out of abusive relationships both physically, emotionally and sexually which lowered my self worth even more. I was a train-wreck and I knew it. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, “Who am I? What have I become?” and being disgusted with myself. I wanted to change but I couldn’t. I was young right? I had to have fun while I was young right? I wasn’t having fun-I was killing myself slowly and while I wanted so desperately to be healthy again, I felt like I was already in too deep.
It was January 2013 when that first tiny flame of grace was sparked. I knew as soon as it happened that I was pregnant. I was 19 years old and in the last stages of a horrible, destructive and toxic relationship and at rock bottom. I stared at the pregnancy test and thought “This is it. I have to get better now”. I didn’t feel ready but I knew I didn’t get to choose if I was ready or not. That’s life. There was never a doubt in my mind as to whether I would keep my baby or not. I knew as soon as I found out, that this baby was God’s way of grabbing my attention and bringing me back to Him so He could show me an entire new life. This was only further confirmed when I saw my baby’s heart beating for the first time at just 7 weeks old. For once in my life, I felt that I had a purpose and I felt true deep love for that tiny tiny heart beat. Through pregnancy, I lost all my friends and it was wonderful. It was hard to see them leave me behind but it showed me that they weren’t real friends. In return, I made up for 3 lost years with my family and got to love and get to know them again. I was slowly healing and it was amazing.
My beautiful son Caleb was born on October 3rd 2013. He was 7lbs 15oz and the most incredible little human I had ever seen. THIS is when everything really changed and God started rapidly opening my eyes. I looked into my son’s eyes and felt the most unconditional love for him. In that moment, I realized that how I felt about Caleb was just a trace of the amount of love that God has for us and for the months following (and even now) I have moments like these where I am in complete awe and wonder of God’s love and grace for me.
I was in the darkest time of my life and my God used Caleb to save me. My God saw me at the depths and despite my rejection of Him, He loved me regardless. He loved me even with all my faults and my shortcomings. He loved me enough to forgive my past and prepare me for a better future. He loves me.
I can’t tell you how many times I will tell Caleb to not climb the stairs by himself because he’s too little and will get hurt and he will disregard me completely despite me telling him over and over. I just have to go pick him up and hold him for a bit and shake my head in love. That is EXACTLY how God deals with us. He rescues us out of dark and dangerous situations and loves us regardless and nothing can change that. God loves us unconditionally. He loves us despite our brokenness. He welcomes us back with open arms after we’ve gone astray.
I struggle with guilt. I often wonder how anyone, especially God could forgive and love me after knowing the darkest places I’ve been to. Many times, Christians fall into a trap of believing that if we don’t follow all the rules, God will be angry with us and strike us down–this is not the case. Of course God doesn’t love to see us fall into Satan’s traps, but He allows it. Why? Because He is a God of love and grace and will always ALWAYS intervene and forgive.
So readers, count it all joy. We get battered, damaged and weary. We wander and we stray. We get struck down and we lose hope. Do not hold on to guilt. Give it all to your Savior. He loves you regardless of where you have been, He has seen you in your darkest place, and He still calls you back home. Because of this most amazing grace, we are no longer prisoners to our past, our fear, our shame. We are free to dance in the beautiful light and love of our Savior
This is just my small, humble story. My prayer for all of you is that you find comfort and the inspiration to seek out your own story of grace. Take a few moments of your day to sit in silence and listen. Listen to the Spirit breaking through your walls of shame and allow the love of Jesus to flood your heart and wipe away every feeling of inadequacy, guilt and darkness. You are worthy of love. You are forgiven. You are a princess of the King of All. Today I speak grace and peace into your lives!
Please feel free to find me on Facebook if you need prayer, encouragement or just to chat.
It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.