written by Morgan Baker
“Broken, ugly, alone, invisible, rejected, never enough.” Any of these words ring a bell? How about questions, statements, thoughts… “Will I ever be enough? Will this pain ever go away? Why doesn’t he love me? Will anyone ever love me? I am worthless, talentless, and insignificant. My life is meaningless; I don’t even think it has a purpose. Lord GIVE ME VALUE”
It’s crazy isn’t it? The power in words and our own thoughts, and how we let them consume our entire being. Eat away at us bit by bit, until you’re standing in the mirror starring back at yourself and all that reflects back at you is everything this draining world has made you to be until you see yourself as nothing but a ghost.
It’s a case of your classic “church girl” we all know one right? The girl who thought she could live the double life, love the lord at home, at church, and with her family, but do as she pleased on her own time. She was raised in the church, loved the Lord from a young age, picture perfect family, picture perfect life right? Perfect, there’s another word, a word that we feel we constantly have to live up to, but wonder why we never can. At least that’s how she felt, until her picture perfect life started to crumble around her. Parental separation, hatred, ADHD, depression, attention seeking child, anger issues, bullied beyond belief, betrayed by friends, failure, weight gain, looking for value in degrading ways, partying, abusive relationships, the girl that’s too nice. “Too nice”, somehow that was even made into a flaw. She was lost on a path so far from God and to her there was no turning back. It was like sinking sand, slowly and surely ripping her apart from the inside, but to let others see? Absolutely not. She had to keep it together; she had a family to live up to, a status, and an obligation. Her image was all that seemed to matter; yet her relationship with the lord was the last thing on her mind.
Where was he when her life was falling apart? That God that promised her he would be there? The times when she cried herself to sleep, when the pain of her life made her feel as if she was being held under water by this bully of a world until she couldn’t breathe, or when all the wrong and shameful decisions of her past haunted her like a reoccurring bad dream. Where are you God? Here I am crying out to you, why don’t you help me, you are all powerful, almighty, make this pain go away. What can you do for me? We so often get caught up in what our Father can do for us, yet are we working for him or against him? She wanted God to save her, yet wasn’t proclaiming and displaying his love and light unto the world.
It was only until under a year ago she finally hit rock bottom. Another failed attempt at school, another relationship ended and another person that didn’t love her. Seeking the meaning of her life in a sea full of despairing sin. Identity lost and the mask that she wore for so long, ripped right from her yet again. Lost, abandoned, and unrecognizable to even herself, found the strength to call out His name one last time, one last cry. And it was only until then she finally opened her eyes. For the first time in a long time, I began to see.
My wandering heart, so heavy yet so empty full of all of the shame I carried returned home. Yet knowing my God is a forgiving God, my heart still cried out “How could you love me, valueless me, the one who turned her heart cold”, yet I still for months sought out Him.
“You have intrinsic value”…. Intrinsic, a word I had never heard before until an amazing man named Louis Gigglio threw my fragile heart for a twist once again. // Intrinsic: belonging naturally, essential //. We have intrinsic value to God because we are made in HIS image. My life has astonishing value set apart from all the areas I sought out to give me value for so long. His image is perfect and his love is perfect. Genesis 1:27 “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Go ahead, repeat that to your self a few times, it took me awhile to fully grasp. From the words of Lecrae, just like the name of a designer branded onto a plain shirt, we wonder why just a brand name can give an item so much value? “Our value is wrapped up in him and your value comes from whose name is on you.” God’s love for us is agape, its unconditional, relentless, and has no end. I was blinding myself to how supremely beautiful his love was for me. When you seek him unconditionally and surrender yourself to him, I promise you he will answer. The love Jesus has for us is far greater then any love that we as sinners could have for him, and I then realized the shame I carried didn’t matter and the judgment that came from others was insignificant. All of the men who broke my heart, every square inch of my body and characteristic I loathed because of the hateful words spoken to me, and the haunting mistakes I made were washed away. Like a breath of fresh air my broken self rose from the life I was drowning in.
It’s like that math problem that you could never quite understand, you had every equation and every solution, yet you could never figure out how to solve the problem. At a young age I had learned about Gods love for me and knew I was forgiven but never let myself open up my heart to fully comprehend it. God opened the eyes of my heart and this beauty will never leave me again.
Words…“Beautiful, unbroken, joyful, strong, talented, loved, enough, courageous” Statements, no more questions…”I am enough. I find my strength in Him. I am loved. His love is perfect. I have intrinsic value. My life has meaning. My God is flawless.” Crazy right? The power in our own words and thoughts, yet the amazing power they have when we seek them through him. I am still a girl with struggle, days that feel unbearable, moments I feel shame, mornings I wake up feeling ugly, and my heart may still be shattered from time to time, but I choose him every day, even the ones that seem impossible. The church girl that chose the double life returned home, his presence is all I will ever need. A beautiful, loved, and dauntless child was rescued. I am unmasked, eternally thankful, my identity is found in him, and I am forever rescued.
// 2 Samuel 22:20 “He Rescued me”
It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.