I catch myself getting lost in Luca as he sleeps.
All the many different stages of sleep defined by the faces he makes. The serious lip pout– I’m sleeping & I’m not though, too, so try to put me down & you are dead meat & you will deeply regret your lack of patience accompanied by my loud, breathless wails. The dreamy smile– I’m sleeping & I’m just falling asleep, your chances of survival putting me down are about 50/50. Move at your own risk. Then there is the real, deal, no denying he’s asleep phase– the open mouth. This is the part where he is so lost in sleep that he decides his pacifier has become a nuisance, as his jaw comes crashing down, losing the paci completely. Set him anywhere– the bathroom floor, the sofa, the bed, his crib, the floor, his swing– he’s not budging.
But the major part I am so consumed by is his mad cuddling skills. Because every night when he is ready for his official night time slumber, my baby wants cuddled. & whether I am sitting or standing or lying down, he conforms to my body so naturally, as if our bodies were created to hold each other through our early days. It’s never as simple as me holding him; its a hands down thing, this child is the best cuddler around. & maybe its because he’s so fresh out of the hands of God, because I can promise you I’m not the one who taught this little love where to place his arms or how to rest his head on my chest. Cuddling came natural.
We long for love from day one.
Because this Love created us & called us by name & laid out the details of every day & scooped us up in his hands to examine the final masterpiece & to say we were exactly what he had intended from the start, that we are good. & next thing you know we’re being pushed & pulled & birthed & all at once we’re placed on our mother’s chest & what is it we desire the most? Love. Because it’s the Who that created us to be here & now all of the sudden we’re here & we yearn for the familiar. The only familiar, the only common ground between us being formed is this is that Love is present. & so our breathing picks up as they pull the gunk plugging our nostrils & our hearts long to be filled as we cry out Abba, Father, & we cling to the only thing we know.
From Love we became & in Love we become & it always, always makes us feel at ease. All our days, love sits fireside. From our first breath to our nightmare cuddles to our sick, I-need-my-momma’s, to our first love to our wedding day kiss to meeting our child to seeing others love our child so deeply. This love sits fireside, this love is growing warmth. This is home.
It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.