I messaged my husband this morning something that may or may not have said:
Lets just move far, far away—right now.
There may have also been a fitting emoji or two. I don’t know. Maybe.
But my smart husband, he is good at what he does (being a husband to me). He didn’t turn me down right away, remind me of our love bug who we get to spend every other week with, or blow off my emotions. He asked me why.
Cue the water works, folks.
I am in this season where God is doing the most incredible things & I thirst for Him like never before. I am in this season where I have never felt more lonely, left out, & uninvited. I am in a season where both are co-existing, battling grounds for my wannabe purity centered mind. I am sincerely battling it out, my nonexistent friends.
So I have had no energy lately, which has not been helped by my prayers to the Lord for my wandering heart to not find any new shows on Hulu or Netflix that I feel the need to add to my list. But I finally picked up the final book to my summer reading stack (there were only three books, people… reading becomes harder when your baby wants to eat plastic things and color on walls with your prayer journal pens). And by now, about three days later and 30 pages in, Lisa Bevere is completely rocking my pitiful heart.
In her book Without Rival, she talks about (at least for the first 30 pages) how God’s love is not equal for each of us, it is unique. She says, “Our Father’s love cannot be likened to a pan of brownies or a cherry pie that is painstakingly cut by a loving parent into equal portions so that no child feels slighted. His marvelous love is not subject to portion control.” (p19)
Cue more tears.
His love doesn’t reach a limit. His love doesn’t level off or yield until the others catch up to your portion. It is endless. Unconditional. Unyielding. Overflowing. This everlasting love isn’t cut off because God says ‘okay you have had enough, pace yourself’. His love flows freely.
You know one of my favorite things God does? I love when we read or watch or hear something that takes us back to a specific moment in our life. The kind of scenario where we never realized how that thirty second interval had left its mark quite the way it had, but God releases the flashback and whispers, let’s heal that, too.
Reading this part of Lisa’s book brought me back to fifth grade. A year I had never thought had damaged me quite the way it had. A year when girls started getting less friendly and more territorial. I was taken back to a specific instance when I had sat at a table with girls who didn’t want me, watching them exchange glances with their friend at the other table, whose chair I was obviously sitting in by that point. Something so silly and small, yet I felt so shameful and unwanted.
And God whispered to this wound through Lisa’s words, “You don’t have to fight for your place at the table or win His love. No one can replace you… you have no rival.” (p21)
There is a seat for me.
I think of all the times I tried to grow other’s affection toward me. I tried to be the love grower, changing little parts of myself, hiding away the parts others had hinted at being unattractive. Creating groups to feel included and accepted, staying in relationships that should have never began to feel safe. All the while having my heavenly Father speaking so many loving words my way and His words falling onto deaf ears as I thought, ‘sure God loves me, but what about you?’
So maybe I won’t be moving away tomorrow because of my husband making me look at my own reasoning. Feeling lonely isn’t a reason to leave. Its probably the worst reason to leave. Maybe I am going to stay right where I’m at and take more time to sit and listen to what God thinks of me.
The Bible says God thinks more precious thoughts about us than there are grains of sand. In Without Rival, Lisa poses the question of what God might say if we sat with Him for even a minute, asking what He thinks of us? What three loving words would he use to describe you? Will you accept this challenge alongside me, and even dare to boldly share your words when sharing this post?
It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.