But there is a river.

This is all funny to me right now, because as I’ve been sitting here for the past 10 minutes figuring out a way to begin this post, I look to my prayer journal at what began this whole thing & the answers right there. So, I’m going to simply start with my prayer.

 

Lord, when I don’t feel like taking time for you, I need it most. Kill my pride & keep me in step with your Spirit. Let my mind rest before you all day long. Fill my mind with your goodness & purify my heart. Cleanse me of all jealousy, bitterness, & other negative emotions. Make every thought obedient to you. Fill me with your goodness, unlock my ears to hear you always. Train my heart in you.

 

Now its very important to me that you understand exactly why I shared that prayer I had written out, because I felt a little weird sharing something that was intended for God alone with you. I literally had SUCH a rough night. Mondays are my husband’s bowling nights so he comes home at about 10 at night, & tonight was a rare night for the kids where both had their fair share of problem child moments. Usually, I wrap up Mondays with the kids in bed early & prayer time is me praising God for letting me find favor with Him & for the kids being a breeze. But tonight. Tonight was testing every last nerve. I even attempted to go to bed early myself because I was trying to let Monday win, but Luca wouldn’t let me, literally shaking his head no when I asked if he would go to bed for the millionth time.

 

 

So, another honest moment, after finally getting Luca to sleep I had already read my Bible & when it came to the decision of whether to go make a big plate of tortilla chips with melted cheese or write in my prayer journal & pray, the cheese won. So after inhaling the whole plate, when I felt pressed to right one line in my prayer journal for the night, I decided I could handle one line. One line isn’t hard, & after the night I had there was no room for challenging. So I wrote that one line. & one turned to two. & then pretty soon this happened, & it all made sense.

 

“…we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves, & learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.”
—2 Corinthians 1:9

“We have placed our confidence in Him, & He will continue to rescue us.”
—v.10

 
Lord, when I feel the heartbreak. When I think about the pain of hearing another woman announce her pregnancy & the emptiness of my own womb. When I’m giving my business to God & it still seems to be flailing on the ground like a suffocating fish. When I’m having a bad day on my kids who are having a bad day.

 

 

You are my rock, God. When my circumstances seem deafening & I can’t be sure of what may come, you are the answer.You are our peace.

 

 

What God do I serve? The God who conquered death.

 

 

“God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at the break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations He has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

—Psalm 46

 

 

David felt it, too, that same feeling Paul felt when he wrote his second letter to the Corinthians. He experienced enough to know what it takes for your heart to feel as though the earth has given way & the mountains are diving into the sea. He knew how hard breathing could be.

 

 

But there is a river whose streams make glad the city of God. That ceases wars. That places His thick fingers around our flabby nothing of arms & keeps them raised high when we pull out our “can’t evens”.

 

 

There is a God whose Spirit runs like rushing waters through my veins who holds out peace like a life jacket & when we’ve finally got a hold of it & we’re bobbing in the current & we say, okay God, aren’t you supposed to be taking us toward the shore, He says to be still & know who He is. Peace, love. I AM is with you. I AM here.

 

 

& when He doesn’t give us explanations for why he is standing beside me in the deep end allowing this thing to happen where I am unable to touch & He isn’t pulling me out, He says,

 

“I WILL BE EXALTED AMONG THE NATIONS.
I WILL BE EXALTED IN THE EARTH.”

 

 

Do you love me? Take care of my sheep.

 

 

Sometimes its not even about us. I mean, it is to the extent that He works for the good of those who love Him. But who’s to define what’s good? & who’s to say this is something that’s only meant for you?

 
Maybe this is the part where He will be exalted.
So those same six people you’ve been praying salvation over for months will get it.
So the girl in the back of the church will rise because of your faith.

 
He says, “Do you love me?”
Let me be glorified.
Be still & know.
Peace.

It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.

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