“Blessed is the God & Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavens in Christ. For He has chosen us in Him before the foundation of the world to be holy & blameless in love before Him.”
— Ephesians 1:3-4 CSB
I’m an over analyzer, never just listening. Always listening listening. Always hearing every other word hidden in between the lines.
Sometimes it works to my benefit because I can hear the surface issues but see the real heart issues that lie beneath. Example: My child, being all WAHHH CAN’T COMMUNICATE BECAUSE YOU JUST KILLED EVERYTHING WITHIN ME WHEN YOU SAID NO CANDY. This usually means ‘Hey mom, I am really tired now. Let’s nap.’
Sometimes its destructive because what they are saying is what they are meaning because they are no bull people like that. They are chill & ‘just being honest’ all the time. Example: ‘I like your shirt’, & I’m like ‘you hate it oh thanks because I stared in the mirror for ten minutes, changed it three times, & asked my husband his opinion before leaving the house after the shrug mumble mumble ‘I’m no fashionista’ moment. But all they meant was they liked it. Compliments are hard.
& then there are those times when I am one hundred percent catching what they’re saying but its not to my benefit because its making me feel less valuable as if their opinion is what defines my worth. ‘Hey, you’re standing right beside me so I’m going to invite you to hang out of obligation but I know you’re really busy & you’re only invited because I feel confident you won’t come.’
I’ve been feeling every ounce of it lately, shrinking from the salt I’ve allowed to suck up my water more than turning to the source to flourish my insides. I’ve been listening to the words others don’t say all too closely, aligning my paths by their limited views & all too heavy opinions. I’ve been overthinking all too often, drawing parallels between my lack of invitations & my worth.
Have you felt it? Its hard being a mama. You think you are going to maintain friendships & join mom clubs & bake cookies. & maybe you are kicking this whole mama thing out of the ballpark. But maybe you’re more like me, sleeping in a bed with a child while your husband’s in the other bed with your other child, both just trying to get enough sleep to survive these days. Maybe you’re the one responding to invites with excuses because on the off chance you have two free arms & your blouse buttoned without a nursing child you just want to sit in a quiet room by yourself. Or sleep. Or shower. But honestly, its hard being anyone. It just is. I get it. I remember being in high school & feeling those exchanged glances among people I wanted to believe were my friends. Going to college & dating people & moving to different apartments with different friends. All the fall outs & broken hearts & all the times I took what these people didn’t say when they turned to walk away & lit the match under my own self worth. Another strike. You aren’t good enough. You aren’t loved.
I think deep down we all know its not true. We do. We know the textbook answer: you are so loved. But we can’t feel it. It’s like a false positive. We wear it on our clothes, write it on our skin, recite it in the church. God so loved the world. K. YES. AMEN. But our insides still scream of aching scars & standing in the doorway of love instead of walking inside. We’re stuck zoning out on the pretty love quotes printed on the wall instead of feeling its warmth.
I think its exactly where Satan wants us. Fighting this battle within ourselves, unable to see past our feeling not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not popular enough, not outgoing enough, not invited enough, so we never get to the battle outside of ourselves. We never get to the golden room where all the treasure lies. We never get to see where we belong & the depth to which we’ve all been created.
So I finished studying the book of Daniel this week & felt a tug in my heart to begin Ephesians, only to find myself in a week not even finishing the first chapter. Paul’s words to the Ephesians are kicking my butt & so relative to where I’m at right now. What my soul needs to hear. & Jesus is lingering, rewriting the words that I’ve allowed to take up home in my heart by being careless with what I choose to allow to stay & I feel like you might be there with me, needing to hear the words he’s pouring into me.
“Blessed is the God & Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavens in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world to be holy & blameless in love before him.”
—Ephesians 1:3-4 CSB
We have been given access to everything good spiritually— handed over the keys to the whole kingdom in the heavens— just because our God is a generous Father who wants us to see the kingdom through His eyes. & because He loves us so much, all these gifts lie in our new home He has created for us— IN Christ. We are home, in the fiery coals of his heart, amongst all the heaps of gifts. Its where we belong, in the treasure chest.
Have you seen the Minions movie? (Do you have kids? Have you watched this movie at least 60 times between 2016-2017?) You know the part where Scarlett takes Bob, Stuart, & Kevin into their treasure room? That room heaping with piles of gold, diamonds, & other valuables, our home. That’s what life was meant to be like in Christ. That’s what the room of his heart looks like. & we belong there. We are just as valuable as that gold, those gems, & that sought after masterpiece. We belong in the treasure chest. I can’t say it enough, love, because this is what Jesus is singing over me these days. & I think we all need it so much. & I think its time we win this battle so in 2018 we can start digging into the treasure piled high all around us.
Because that treasure is ours. Do you get that? The room— this treasure chest— every spiritual blessing. Its ours. We are so loved. Yes. & so its time to move on. Its time to make this our foundation & to enter into the room. No more standing in the doorway. We are being called home, IN Christ, into the treasure room.
We’ve got the key.
Have you looked around the room? Have you taken note of the spiritual gold piled high around you? Have you picked up that masterpiece & held it with your hands, taking note of the brushstrokes of dried paint bubbled over the stretched canvas? Have you stopped & closed your eyes just to take note of the abundant joy that is your fill, that is as potent & accessible as the air you breath?
Let’s take the step together, love. Let’s make 2018 the year we look around the room, the year we enter in, the year we say yes & amen & remember our victories & move onto greater battles.
It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.