He doesn’t want me looking around to see what everyone else is doing.
He is not asking me to follow suit with what other’s are doing,
He is asking me to follow suit with what He is doing.
I’ve been really torn lately over what following Him looks like in this season.
Rather than having my listening ears attentive to Him, I feel like listening to the other voices has taken over the ship, hearing God calling others to these really bold, big, bright things, and then my eyes drop down to my own offering and it feels small.
So I count it ‘not enough’, and I start to dress it up, trying to amount to more. Trying to make something that I think would look pleasing to Him.
All the while, He is still gushing over my original, pure sacrifice that I laid at His feet, before my eyes wavered and started to pace the room.
So here I am, remembering that bigger isn’t always better.
That all it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed to see miracles unfold
and all it takes is a whole lot of noise to drown out His move.
A couple mornings ago, in the midst of a mental struggle, I picked up my Bible in search of an answer, asking the Lord if He could give me a clear cut yes or no. So I came to Psalm 51, verse 16 and 17 resounding,
“For the source of your pleasure is not in my performance or the sacrifices I might offer to you. The fountain of your pleasure is found in the sacrifice of my shattered heart before you.”
And even though I felt like he gave me that clear cut answer I was looking for, I kept looking for other answers from other people around me. Even though I kept hearing His authoritative no, no, no, I kept searching for someone to physically say the same words.
As if His word isn’t enough.
Last night, I had a dream. In my dream, my mom and I were standing there, and I was watching with her as a bystander as a surgery was performed on me. As the surgeons performed the surgery, they were scraping out horse hair that had become caught up in my insides. All the while, my mom stood beside me, explaining,
“Sometimes, that happens.
The horse hair gets in and needs cleaned out.”
Even dreaming me was a little confused, backtracking, trying to figure out at what point I came in contact with a horse to accidentally eat its hair?
This morning, I picked up my dream interpretation book (The Divinity Code) to look at what the biblical meanings were of my dream, knowing my mom represented the Holy Spirit.
Horse, in the dream dictionary, can be symbolic of several things, the three that hit home being (1) Looking to the world, (2) The flesh, and (3) Not looking to God.
There we stood, Holy Spirit and I, as He so patiently and gently explained that sometimes the world and its baggage gets tangled up in us and we start relying a little too much on our flesh and others flesh, and together we watched Him scrape the world out of me.
I was looking around for everyone’s answers and everyone’s wisdom to align with His, and He was saying,
“Look to me and listen to me. Only me.”
The Lord explains this to Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7, when Samuel is looking through Jesse’s sons to see which the Lord wanted him to anoint as king:
“Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
The Father is scraping away our flesh, friends. He is making way for deeper intimacy with Him, deeper connection with Him that is refreshed by second nature dependence.
No more looking around the room before we move in honesty and truth,
in the Spirit and Truth.
Time to rely on the Father and take our offerings to Him by measuring how He tells us to measure, giving Him what He asks us to give in the quietness of our pace with Him.
He is all we need.
“Lord, I will offer myself freely, and everything I am I give to you. I will worship and praise your name, O Lord, for it is precious to me.”
Psalm 54:6 TPT