As I’ve been sitting here watching the pulsing line on my screen, the steady blink patiently awaiting me to find the words to say, I feel overwhelmed. With at least a month since my last post, it seems like I have so much to say, and at the same time, maybe this is not the place for the words to be said.
Lately I’ve been feeling things.
A wide array of things.
The Lord has been reminding me of the deep love and childlike wonder He’s sealed within me as deep as the ocean. The sway of the deep pink sunsets, as-close-to-faux-as-you-can-get crystal blue skies with the big, bubbled, cotton-ball-clouds, the warmth of the sun brushing its mothering hands along my back as if to comfort me as the rest of the morning air still holds a bit of chill, all the lightning bugs sending fireworks through the pitch black night,… each glimpse a reminder of the beautiful mysteries of the Father.
For years, I had forgotten how to admire a sunset. How to be captivated by the simple beauties around. Until little moment upon little moment piled up and I caught myself staring out my dining room window, pressing for a glance of the glory melting the sun into the sky.
It makes me thankful.
And to think about the timing of His unearthing this tide of passion for what He’s created… well. Let’s just say He knows me better than I know myself.
It hasn’t all been easy and effortless this past month. It felt like the second I caught up to the swirling responsibilities that were withholding me from any sense of gravity,… the second I thought everything was on the up and up and voiced, “this is good”, the lights were turned on in the other room and I found out the room I thought was tidy and in order was actually a hot mess with the lights out.
You know that hopeless, sinking feeling when you’re working your way through spring cleaning one room at a time and right when you think you’re almost at the finish line you look back and see the disaster behind you, beckoning you to begin all over again?
I don’t like that. But the Lord has equipped me for this season. And as much as I want to hit rewind and pause on the parts I think are ‘the good parts’ or turn the lights back off to keep things in the dark, I’m going to keep walking with Him.
When Saul was anointed king in 1 Samuel, he basically failed from the start. The Lord would give him a command, and he would be disobedient. One part in particular stands out in my mind:
The Lord commanded Saul to go wipe out the Amalakites. Kill the people, kill the animals, demolish it all. I saw how they treated my people and haven’t forgotten. So Saul went and killed everyone and all their animals- except for the best ones. He thought because his intentions were to use them for sacrifices, he could be disobedient because his idea was good. But the Lord stripped his throne from him because of his disobedience.
Sometimes we think we know what’s best for us. We cling to these good things around us and we show the Lord how much we love them. We clench our fists tighter as we feel we’re loosing our grip, fighting for what our eyes see as good instead of trusting His best.
I’ve been clinging. I’ve felt it in my heart. But I’m choosing to walk toward His best.