I miss you. Have you said it lately? A simple sentence, 3 words, and just 8 letters to be exact. That casual, haven’t seen yah in a few weeks I miss you, the ones you reciprocate to just be polite, or the I miss yous that just come naturally without any kind of notice it even came out of your mouth. A sentence that to most, at least to myself, had become second nature. But it wasn’t until several months ago I really understood what such a simple term really meant, that missing someone comes in difference waves and forms of life, and what it really means to feel the absence of others to your absolute core.
It’s suffocating, absolutely overwhelming, and unexplainably heartbreaking to feel the absence of others without any kind of control over the situation. The death of loved ones, the uncomfortable feeling of being separated from family and friends, the uncontrollable absence and longing for someone you love. But to feel all of this at once, speaking from the viewpoint of a control freak like myself, impossible. At least that’s what I would have told you about 6 months ago.
God calls us to grow in unexpected ways, and for me it is the season of I miss yous. It began with a piece of my heart being sent back across the country and then the sudden loss of a best friend. Next was the absolutely tragic and unbearable loss of my grandmother who meant more than life itself to me. Yet I was still being sent out on a new journey of life to another state while coping with this pain, deprived of most of my family and close friends near by. What a blessing the Lord had given me with this amazing internship, yet how could I even be joyful when there is sadness completely smothering my life. Some days feel like I’m just existing.
“God is so good”, a sentence I find myself repeating daily. “Lord I put full trust in your plan and reason for the events in my life” there’s another sentence that mutters from my mouth every single day. Here I sit, in another state, along side strangers that know nothing about who I am, visiting places I know nothing about, all of this while going through the most difficult chapter of my life.
How easy it would be for me to be angry with the Lord, the difficult days where pulling myself out of bed and yanking my body that would rather give up out of my room. Or the moments I spend crying and screaming to God for an answer to my ongoing question, WHY? Yet one thing I learned from my beautiful grandmother is that in life we love to complicate things, complicate the I miss yous, but the answer is very simple, the answer is to “keep looking up”.
HE is the answer, my refuge, my strength, and because of his great love I live. God is SO GOOD and even though there is pain, there are also so many blessings that surround each and every one of us. We can choose to dwell in the pain or we can raise our palms to him and open our hearts to trust in his flawless plan and perfect love.
PROVERBS 3:5-6 // Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge HIM, and he will make your paths straight.
I have no answer to why pain occurs in life, or why these “I miss yous” take place. But one thing I am learning through this valley in my life is that in these treacherous valleys is where we grow the most. & Without the support of loved ones and the strength I find in my Abba Father my soul would be absolutely lost. So next time you tell someone I miss you, don’t just say it. Really mean it. Because one day their absence may be for more than a few weeks, it may even be permanent. I am growing in my trust and my faithfulness is constantly being tested. Each day is a work in progress, along with my mindset and attitude. My open hands may be weary some days, but I still open them to him. I chose him and I will always “keep looking up”
A rescued work in progress
Matthew 11:28-30 // Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.