Off season 

It’s that time again. 
Satan is really working his ways with distraction. People, things, life, he is really trying to bring me backwards. Does this happen to you ever? I know it does to me frequently. And at this point in time, I can honestly say he may be winning a little bit more than I want him to be. 
As I stand in a hot shower, the water is running, and I’m crying because I’m ashamed of the decisions I have made. I am angry with the mistakes I keep making, that have already been made. “WHEN WILL IT END?” I scream out loud, when will I finally stop going back to these overbearing, dark places of my life?
But you want to know what the most ironic thing about it all is? Satan makes you believe that this discomfort, anxiety ridden, body numb, shortness of breath place is really where you belong. Because at moments when I am here in this place I get these short lasting feelings of comfort, happiness, peace, and even love. How could such a terrible place give me these feelings? How could one person, thing give me such joy but kill every being of me on the inside? 
It just hurts and all I have to blame is myself. 
I cry out for forgiveness. I’m sorry God. I have failed You. Again. 
I am not alone, I know He forgives. I know He has unconditional love for me. 
“Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” Acts 3.19

I’m here, I’m forgiven, and I am at peace. But to truly let go of this dark place I have to forgive it. I have to let it go. I have to love it from afar, I can’t save it and I can’t change it. It’s time. 
It’s been time. 
Day by day I tell myself, and that’s okay. That’s all it takes is one step further each day. 

I’m starting now.  


It’s your turn, love. Break the silence. Spill your guts.

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